


Lesson in Cricket

by clearinghouse



Category: Raffles - E. W. Hornung
Genre: Cricket, Dialogue-Only, Friendship, Furniture Rearranging, Gen, Humor, rafflesweek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 14:58:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10192457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clearinghouse/pseuds/clearinghouse
Summary: Raffles and Bunny are bowled over when Inspector MacKenzie of Scotland Yard genuinely inquires after the purpose of the 'innumerable blazers' in Raffles's closet, after being invited to tea with the duo at the Albany. As it turns out, the inspector knows next to nothing about cricket—a terrible state of affairs, one which the two Englishmen are keen to remedy as quickly as possible.(Written in audio drama format.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written generally for the cricket-themed day of [rififis](http://rififis.tumblr.com/)'s [#rafflesweek](https://www.tumblr.com/search/rafflesweek) on Tumblr, and specifically for a gift exchange with a friend.

Opening music of an upbeat string quartet plays, then fades.

RAFFLES  
Let’s see. The hands are clean. No make-up left on me. Most of the swag is safely away in the studio. Have you got the tea, Bunny?

BUNNY  
Yes, right here! Tea and crumpets, hot and ready to make hot, respectively.

RAFFLES  
I daresay, you’re excited.

BUNNY  
It’s hard not to get excited. I can’t say it’s in a good way, you know!

RAFFLES  
Oh, what’s the matter? You don’t like Inspector MacKenzie?

BUNNY  
I don’t exactly like when he’s coming over, no! And to think that you invited him here as freely as if he were a chum of ours. Yes, I’m bloody excited. I’m afraid that’s what you get for letting me in on your mad scheme in advance, for once. 

RAFFLES  
Yes, that was careless of me. Better for you to be innocent in ignorance, eh? I should have let his appearance come as a most delightful surprise to you. 

BUNNY  
Delightful, ha! Well, it does tend to be a great surprise, anyway.

RAFFLES  
Normally I do have the good sense and kindness to leave you in the dark until the end. That would spare you the trouble of all this worrying. This occasion calls for a different procedure, however. We aren’t to be knaves today. We’ve nothing to hide. Why, the very point is that we will be pillars of society.

BUNNY  
Right, right. We’re going to make friends with our enemy. You explained so this morning.

RAFFLES  
Or words to that effect. And you were as convinced by the explanation then as you are now.

BUNNY  
Forgive me if it seems like we’re taking a risk not worth taking! We’ve been mixed in so many cases with MacKenzie as it is— 

RAFFLES  
Indeed, and as exceedingly helpful bystanders each time. You were a hero yourself that night concerning Lady Melrose’s necklace.

BUNNY  
Helpful or not, bystanders or not, we can’t possibly have a thoroughly clean slate with the man. 

RAFFLES  
On the contrary, no one in England would better testify to our characters.

BUNNY  
What if your inviting him to tea only makes him suspicious, when he was not?

RAFFLES  
What’s to suspect? It is only natural that we should consider him as an acquaintance, considering the number of instances we’ve chanced to cross his path in the course of our adventures. Ha. We’ll turn our bad luck into good, if the inspector becomes our ally because of that coincidental history. There is a beautiful irony to it. 

BUNNY  
Yes, I’m sure it would be hilarious, in any other circumstance.

RAFFLES  
If, on the other hand, we do manage to invite his antagonism today, as you morosely suggest, then instead of pacifying my worthy enemy, I will have increased the sporting challenge that he presents me. A win-win scenario, depending only on the point of view that we take.

BUNNY  
What? I say, Raffles! You can’t really believe that adds up!

RAFFLES  
I rather thought it added up nicely.

A ring at the door.

RAFFLES  
Ah, no more time for scholarly debate on this. It’s time for practical matters. That must be our friend the inspector at the door. Welcome him in.

BUNNY  
Our friend, indeed. 

RAFFLES  
Not with that attitude! 

BUNNY  
Sorry. I fear I’ll give us away, at this rate.

RAFFLES  
Not at all! Trust me, your presence will only help our case. 

BUNNY  
I could hide in the bedroom—

RAFFLES  
I shan’t allow it. It will be an easy job, but it wants you as well as me. You’ll not ruin anything. Trust me, Bunny. And trust my faith in you.

BUNNY  
I… Ah… I trust you, but why does it want me, too? What do you need me here for?

RAFFLES  
My dear rabbit, I need you here to inspire me with confidence!

BUNNY  
Raffles, really!

RAFFLES  
You may take it lightly, but I was never more serious. 

BUNNY  
Oh… this is terribly absurd, but… all right. I’ll do it. I’ll remain here with you. In fact, I’ll do more than lend my presence. I’ll play along with this mad scheme of yours so well, it will blow you away!

RAFFLES  
That’s my man.

A door opens.

BUNNY  
Inspector MacKenzie! Good of you to come! Come on in, come on in. You’re looking well.

MACKENZIE  
Good day, Mr Manders. Where is Mr Raffles?

RAFFLES  
Ah, Inspector, I was beginning to fear you might bail on me. You made it in time for tea, but you’ve cut it dashed fine. Don’t make many social visits, do you?

MACKENZIE  
I’m not late. And it’s not often that a detective like myself is called upon to make a social visit.

RAFFLES  
But you’ve come, and I’m glad for it.

MACKENZIE  
Yes. It always interests me, when something that doesn’t happen often does happen.

BUNNY  
Do you want tea?

RAFFLES  
Let the man take a seat first.

BUNNY  
Right, right. Do you want a seat?

RAFFLES  
And his coat?

BUNNY  
Right, right! Do you want me to take your coat!

RAFFLES  
I say, Bunny, there’s no need to be nervous. The inspector is here as a harmless guest, for a change. There’ll be no barrage of questioning about our whereabouts during burglarious entries effected by the accused, et cetera, et cetera.

BUNNY  
Yes. Of course. My mistake.

MACKENZIE  
There isn’t any need for an apology, Mr Manders. Most people aren’t as calm as you seem to be, Mr Raffles, when a detective from Scotland Yard joins them for anything, even teatime.

RAFFLES  
You speak as if you weren’t one of our fellow human beings, underneath that metaphorical numbered collar of yours. If you’ll forgive my saying so, and pray do not take offence, but I find myself a spot irritated by you, Inspector. 

BUNNY  
What?

RAFFLES  
Forgive me, Bunny, but surely you must harbour a secret thought or two in the same vein. Time after time, we’ve run into you, and each time, you’ve treated us with as little intimacy as the first. One would think that we are permanent strangers to you. Do you treat all your acquaintances in such a distant fashion? That’s not at all how it is with me and my friend here, for instance. I’ve seen him often enough that I don’t greet him at the start of the hour with a ‘Good day, Mr Manders,’ but with a ‘good grief, Bunny, do you presume that you live here?’

BUNNY  
I say…!

MACKENZIE  
I’m afraid we’re not on such close terms as that, Mr Raffles.

RAFFLES  
No, but we ought to be at least a little further along that track with you, instead of remaining forever at the start of it. It’s not a comfortable position to linger in. Let us hang your coat, then have a seat and take a cup. Why don’t we talk about the affair of that prisoner’s escape from Dartmoor? I never did follow up on it.

MACKENZIE  
I will take tea. But I’ll not discuss Scotland Yard business.

RAFFLES  
Oh. That somewhat limits the pool of topics, what? And I’m not one to discuss the news. It comes too close to politics. What does that leave us? The latest cricket scores? Perhaps we will resign ourselves to making conversation about the decoration of my bachelor apartment. Come to think of it, it used to be decidedly messier than this. Bunny, have you been moving things about my flat?

BUNNY  
Oh, um, I suppose I do try to pick up after myself. I’d hate to be the chap who leaves a mess behind at a friend’s place. And it’s, uh, easier to air out the smell, when things are straightened.

RAFFLES  
You don’t say? I’d not registered the difference until now. How decent of you.

BUNNY  
Uh, really? It’s, uh, very decent of you to have me over so often!

MACKENZIE  
Hm.

BUNNY  
W-What? What is it?

MACKENZIE  
What are those costumes?

BUNNY  
Costumes? 

MACKENZIE  
I happen to see quite a lot of unusual colours hanging in your closet. You go to fancy dress parties, do you, Mr Raffles? 

RAFFLES  
Not at all. What you observe are my blazers.

BUNNY  
Oh! You meant his club blazers!

RAFFLES  
I should hope he didn’t mean anything else in my closet, Bunny, or I should be sadly forced to take umbrage with him. You did mean the blazers, yes, Inspector? Feel free to take a look at them for yourself. I have one jacket for each club I could possibly play for.

MACKENZIE  
Oh. I see.

RAFFLES  
Is there some trouble? It must come as no surprise to you by now, given our limited yet long history together, that I do play cricket in my spare time.

MACKENZIE  
Well, it strikes me as peculiar that you, a cricket player, don’t know which team you belong to.

BUNNY  
But Raffles doesn't belong to any team! He'll play for any of them.

RAFFLES  
More or less. But one moment. Inspector, were you expecting me to belong exclusively to a single team?

MACKENZIE  
I suppose I was.

RAFFLES  
And why would you expect that? It’s common knowledge that amateur cricketers change blazers nearly as often as we change for dinner.

MACKENZIE  
You'd make an awfully fine detective yourself, Mr Raffles, what with your way of questioning. I'm afraid that knowledge is not so common as you suggest. I don’t mind confessing that I’m not very familiar with the inner workings of cricket teams. One would reasonably assume that the players shouldn’t be allowed to shuffle about their teams like cards in a deck.

RAFFLES  
Alas, we are a decidedly fickle species of gentlemen.

BUNNY  
But how can one keep up with cricket and not know that teams don’t keep gentlemen?

MACKENZIE  
I do not follow any sport, including cricket. I've never seen a game of it myself.

BUNNY  
Never seen a game!

RAFFLES  
Not one game? Ever?

MACKENZIE  
Amateur sport and its players do not come under my purview. At least, that used to be the case. 

RAFFLES  
Why, MacKenzie is all work and no play! Never have I met a chap more exclusively devoted to his one line. 

BUNNY  
Never seen a game, by Jove! How can you live in this country and never see a game of cricket?

RAFFLES  
It is regrettable, truly regrettable. Inspector, you should join Bunny in the stands at my next game at Lord's! Bunny can explain the rules to you while the two of you spectate, isn't that right, Bunny?

BUNNY  
What? With me?

MACKENZIE  
I'll have to pass on it. I've heard that cricket games go for days at a time, and I’ve not got days to waste.

RAFFLES  
Why, you needn't be there for the entire game! I certainly never am, even when I’m on a team. I say, you really know nothing about cricket, do you? Toss the spectating idea. We'll teach you the rules of the sport, Bunny and I, right here and now.

MACKENZIE  
You will?

BUNNY  
We will?

RAFFLES  
I insist upon it. It would be an insult to the crown if we allow our dear friend from the north to walk out of here, not knowing a batsman from a field!

MACKENZIE  
I am not so ignorant as to not know that much. But I really don't have much use for that sort of lesson.

RAFFLES  
You’ve left us with no other choice. You’ll not talk of your work, I’ll not talk of current events, and you are strangely deficient in your knowledge of my own occupation. Therefore, a proper demonstration of cricket is in order, or else this will be a decidedly quiet afternoon for the three of us. Bunny, help me move the settee out of the way. We'll need a wide open space to work with. 

BUNNY  
But why—? Ah, fine! Hold on! Huff...!

RAFFLES  
Good. There we are. Hm, it’s bang-up to create a good open space where there wasn’t any. Lightens the atmosphere, I say.

MACKENZIE  
You don't plan to be throwing balls in this apartment, don't you? You could just as easily explain the rules without them.

RAFFLES  
No, there’ll not exactly be any ball-throwing, but I assure you, the demonstration is very necessary. Here, allow me to move this rectangular rug to the open space. I am the host, and you are the guest, so it falls on you to tell me now: heads, or tails?

MACKENZIE  
I beg your pardon?

RAFFLES  
Do you call heads, or do you call tails? 

MACKENZIE  
Oh, I see you have a coin. But I’m not one for taking bets.

RAFFLES  
This decision is of the greatest importance. Relax, there’s no money riding on it. It will make a great deal of sense, in the grand scheme of things. This is the very first step to understanding the sport of gentlemen. Go on. Will it be heads, or tails?

MACKENZIE  
If you insist, heads.

RAFFLES  
Excellent. I will toss it into the air—and it’s tails! The host team wins the toss! Naturally, the host team is very selfish and predictable, and chooses to bat first. Inspector, you must stay at that end of the rug. I will stand on my end. I’ll open my umbrella and stand it upside down behind me. Bunny, set up your own umbrella behind the inspector, and give him a crumpet while you’re at it. 

MACKENZIE  
I’ll not have any, thank you.

RAFFLES  
It’s not for eating! It’s for the demonstration. Take the crumpet, and keep hold of it. Thank you, Bunny, now stand at that end, just in front of the inspector. Now we observe that there is the long rug, Inspector MacKenzie at one end with a crumpet in hand, and me at the other end, and Bunny besides Inspector MacKenzie.

BUNNY  
Oh! I see! The rug is a cricket pitch! The umbrellas are the wickets!

RAFFLES  
Yes, though I doubt we could balance the two wooden bails of a proper wicket on top of a single umbrella handle.

MACKENZIE  
What? I’m not fond of jokes, Mr Raffles.

RAFFLES  
This is not a joke, my dear man. I shall explain all to you. Nothing communicates an idea better than spatial learning, and the aspects of a cricket game especially can seem arbitrary when not grasped in the proper context. You will see. Let us start our game. You are the bowler, and your team is bowling. I am the striker—that is, the batsman who opposes you. Bunny is also a batsman, but he is the non-striker, because he is on the side not facing you. The contest will be you, the bowler, against us. 

BUNNY  
What about the fields? Who represents them?

RAFFLES  
We shall arrive at the details soon enough. I wouldn't want to stuff too much material into one lesson, and you are rather ahead of the class, Bunny. Let us focus our attention on the essentials, or we’ll lose the inspector in the particulars.

MACKENZIE  
No, I follow well enough, Mr Raffles. There is one bowler, against two batsmen. I don’t see that this show of a metaphor is all that necessary for explaining something so simple.

RAFFLES  
I am pleased you’re not intimidated yet, but we’ve only just started. Give it time. Suppose for the sake of the lesson that my entire flat is circular in shape. My flat, then, is the cricket field, and at the centre of its round volume is this one rug—a single rectangular island. Bunny referred to this rectangular island as the pitch just now, and that is what it is. Very fittingly, the pitch lies at the centre of the strategy of cricket, but you shall see. The first innings has just started. My team—Bunny and I—will want to score runs. Your team cannot score at all—not for the entire innings—and you should generally be doing whatever you can to prevent me and mine from scoring.

MACKENZIE  
All right. 

RAFFLES  
Bunny, what’s the score now?

BUNNY  
Uh, zero for zero, clearly?

RAFFLES  
Correct, though I imagine that would be a misleading figure to a novice of cricket. The score is zero for zero. Now, Inspector, wind up the ball, and bowl—in my general direction, if you can.

MACKENZIE  
You’re asking me to throw this crumpet at you.

RAFFLES  
Naturally, I don’t expect you to throw it overhand in the accurate way, or to make it bounce off of my rug once on the way to me. A simple throw from you to approximate a bowl will illustrate my point.

MACKENZIE  
Very well. There!

RAFFLES  
Ah! You took my wicket!

MACKENZIE  
You merely stepped aside and allowed the crumpet to hit the umbrella.

RAFFLES  
It is simpler that way. Besides, technically speaking, it would have had to send one or two bails flying from the top of the wicket as well, and we don’t have any of those. A wicket is supposed to be three stumps, with two bails balanced on top, but sadly, we’re making do with umbrellas.

BUNNY  
Ha, I do believe you’re out, AJ.

RAFFLES  
Indeed, I am, and I would be very cross with you right now, Inspector, if this were a real game, and you had bowled me out so immediately as this.

MACKENZIE  
Then, I suppose you’d have a row with me out in the middle of the field over it?

RAFFLES  
Heavens, no! That’s not the cricket thing to do! What is this, rugby? I walk off with dignity, like so.

MACKENZIE  
And Mr Manders replaces you.

RAFFLES  
No, he stays there. He’s not out yet. I am out, however. I will never bat again, for the rest of the innings. 

MACKENZIE  
You only get one out? 

BUNNY  
Just the one out, and he’s done! That’s why it’s not unusual for a player to score fifty runs in one batting innings, but fail to score at all in his next.

MACKENZIE  
Oh. That is more exciting than I expected from such a pastime as this.

RAFFLES  
Bunny, what’s the score?

BUNNY  
We’re at zero for one! Not a very auspicious start for us.

RAFFLES  
Maybe not. But I quite like your eager spirit, dear fellow.

BUNNY  
Ah, well!

MACKENZIE  
Huh? No, the score can’t be zero for one. You said before that I can’t score in this innings. How could I have scored one point, then?

BUNNY  
Oh, good lord…

RAFFLES  
Come now, Bunny, that is a very reasonable objection. The confusion will resolve into clarity very speedily, I promise. In the meantime, let us keep that score in mind, and return our attention to the action. I have been bowled out spectacularly by Inspector MacKenzie, and so a second Raffles replaces me at the bat. So, having left the field, I come back on as a new man, like so. I am now the third batsman to make an appearance. Here, Inspector, have the crumpet again. 

MACKENZIE  
Very well.

RAFFLES  
Have at me!

MACKENZIE  
There!

RAFFLES  
Ah, I hit it with my hand this time! My hand will do for my bat, for now; I’d hate to swing a genuine cricket bat around my rooms, if you don’t mind the inaccuracy. As you saw, the ball went off into the field, and hit the ground without being caught. I’ve got my chance now. Quickly, I have to decide: will any of MacKenzie’s devils in the field—the fields, we cleverly call them—be fast enough to grab the ball and knock down a wicket with it, before Bunny and I can change places?

BUNNY  
We score a point every time we change places.

RAFFLES  
Oh, yes, Bunny is right. And we call that a run. 

MACKENZIE  
Can I go and get the crumpet myself?

RAFFLES  
Yes, but better you let one of your mates in the field get it for you.

MACKENZIE  
But I have no one there.

RAFFLES  
A pity, that. Technically, you should have ten allies, all of them catchers, but they are evidently a negligent bunch. Seeing this, I decide that there is sufficient opportunity for a run. Bunny and I hurry to change places on the pitch!

BUNNY  
Should I—?

RAFFLES  
Yes, hurry, I said!

BUNNY  
Oh, excuse me, Inspector!

RAFFLES  
And, we each cross over the border line of the rug, and are safe!

BUNNY  
Unless we should try for another run? Like you said, there’s no one to catch the ball.

RAFFLES  
Yes, it does seem that we could go on scoring runs to the end of time. But that’s quite contrary to the spirit of the game. I decide that we only take one more run, then. Come, let’s change places again!

BUNNY  
All right!

RAFFLES  
Excuse me, Inspector! 

MACKENZIE  
You two will make a whirlwind around me, at this rate.

BUNNY  
Oh, sorry!

RAFFLES  
And… we are safe again, each secure behind his line. Bunny and I, being decently excellent sportsmen, will now wait for you to pick up the ball yourself without attempting to score any more. What’s our score, my dear rabbit?

BUNNY  
We’re two for one. Not much better than before, is it?

MACKENZIE  
Two for one. You have two points now, and I have one?

RAFFLES  
Nay. We have two points. You have no points. You did, however, take one of our wickets—which is to say that you bowled out my previous incarnation by knocking down his wicket straightaway. Therefore, the score is two runs for one wicket.

MACKENZIE  
Oh. Then zero for zero—

RAFFLES  
Was zero runs for zero batsmen out, or for zero wickets, in other words. As soon as you take ten wickets, the innings must be over.

MACKENZIE  
Then there are ten batsmen?

RAFFLES  
Dear me, but you jump ahead as often as Bunny! There are eleven batsmen. Oh, don’t look so cross at me yet! The eleventh batsman simply can’t go on by himself. As soon as the tenth batsman is dismissed, my good Bunny—assuming he happens to still be the non-striker by then—won’t be out, but he won’t have any partner batsman to score runs with, either, so he can’t score. So there can only be ten wickets in an innings.

MACKENZIE  
What if the last man standing is on the side facing the bowler? He can still bat for runs. What need does he have for a partner?

RAFFLES  
Ah, you’re a tricky customer, to say such a thing. No, that’s not the done thing. I must insist that every striker needs his partner.

MACKENZIE  
Hm. Until now, I was beginning to develop a bright opinion on the game, but this checks me. What an odd limitation it is. It would make more sense if the batsman didn’t need a partner with whom to circle the bowler at all. He could keep going until he was fairly out, then.

RAFFLES  
On that point, I respectfully disagree with you. The presence of a partner who can be relied upon—amidst a field teeming with hostile parties—is absolutely indispensable, for one’s spirit if not necessarily for one’s methods. 

BUNNY  
You think so?

RAFFLES  
Positively. Must you sound so surprised?

BUNNY  
Oh, um. It seems to me that the non-striker’s not all that useful, until, of course, he becomes a striker himself. 

RAFFLES  
What would the striker be playing for, if not for the sympathetic gleam in the non-striker’s eyes?

BUNNY  
Ha? I suppose so…

RAFFLES  
Come, good bowler, throw the ball again! Let this be a simple one.

MACKENZIE  
As you say!

RAFFLES  
Good! I hit this one again. Bunny and I will make another run, like this… There. You’ll observe that we both have to cross our own lines to register a single run for our side. I don’t think we shall try for two runs this time. That will leave Bunny at the striker’s position, with a score of three for one for us. MacKenzie, take up your crumpet again.

BUNNY  
Should I hit the crumpet?

RAFFLES  
You don’t have to do anything.

MACKENZIE  
Here you are!

BUNNY  
Ah! 

RAFFLES  
Out! Leg before wicket! That would have hit the wicket!

BUNNY  
I-I wasn’t expecting him to bowl so soon!

RAFFLES  
Don’t be sad, Bunny! I was hoping that he would take you by surprise, for this purpose. 

MACKENZIE  
Leg before wicket, you said? But Mr Manders hit the crumpet with his elbow.

RAFFLES  
The rule is called the leg-before-wicket rule, or lbw to save time. It comes up often enough. It’s a ruling for lbw if the ball would have hit the wicket, save for the fact that a wrong part of Bunny’s body got in its path.

BUNNY  
Ha! I daresay, that rule is a hundred times more complicated than that! You’re missing all the rot about not hitting outside the line of the leg stump, for starters.

RAFFLES  
Take my word for it that all of those complications are satisfied. You’re out, and now you replace yourself as the fourth batsman. I will miss you very sorely, I don’t mind admitting, but that is how the game is played. Go on.

BUNNY  
I really have to walk away, and then come back?

RAFFLES  
You must, or it won’t stick. You’re a new man now, remember?

BUNNY  
Fine…

RAFFLES  
What’s the score now?

BUNNY  
It’s—

MACKENZIE  
Three for two. You’ve got your three runs, and I’ve got my two wickets. Right?

BUNNY  
Uh… right!

RAFFLES  
Quite so. This is a very bad start for the host team, and unfortunately, I suspect we will not be improving. For the next ball, Inspector, step beyond the line of the rug when you deliver your crumpet.

MACKENZIE  
All right. Huff!

BUNNY  
Ha! Got that one.

RAFFLES  
Marvellous. 

MACKENZIE  
What happened there?

RAFFLES  
Because you stepped beyond the line, you bowled your first no-ball.

MACKENZIE  
And that’s something I want?

RAFFLES  
No. A no-ball is an illegal delivery. One extra run is award to my side for it. We have four runs now. Plus, by definition, Bunny cannot lose his wicket on a no-ball, even if you did hit it. He can still go for the ball, though—which he has done—and try for runs—which he has not done.

BUNNY  
Do you want me to?

RAFFLES  
Ah, how kind of you to offer. No, I think not. I would rather hear you review what we have thus far demonstrated, for Inspector MacKenzie’s sake. We have gone over quite a lot already.

MACKENZIE  
I don’t need a review. Cricket is a carousel of batsmen around one bowler. Simple enough.

RAFFLES  
Is that so? Not a bad way of putting it, if somewhat simplified. Alas, I’ve already made myself keen to hear how Bunny summarises it. Bunny, if you would?

BUNNY  
Oh, um. Sure. All right. Can do. We have a couple ways to get out, so far. Bowled out, when a wicket goes down on the delivery. Leg before wicket, when the batsman gets in the way. That’s all we covered, I think. No, run out, too! Raffles mentioned it. You’re run out if you're still running outside the safe ground when a catch knocks over your wicket. So that’s bowl out, run out, leg before wicket. 

RAFFLES  
Capital! Excellently stated.

BUNNY  
There’s ten ways to get out in total. Are we going to go over all of them?

RAFFLES  
Are there really so many as ten? You are a true enthusiast to know that by heart. There are only five ways that I know of, and thus two more modes of dismissal ahead of us. But we’ll get to those two in the next innings. They each require that a field has caught the ball, and the inspector’s team doesn’t have people enough available for it.

BUNNY  
Unless he catches a ball himself. That would be a caught out, too.

RAFFLES  
Oh?

BUNNY  
If Inspector MacKenzie catches the same ball that he bowled, then that’s the same as any other catch.

RAFFLES  
Oh, you’re right. Caught and bowled, that is. I suppose it is the same as any caught out, technically. 

MACKENZIE  
A caught out is when a fielder catches the ball before it hits the ground, I take it.

RAFFLES  
Yes. You might as well forget that fact, though, because we haven’t gone over it yet, and we risk becoming disorganised.

MACKENZIE  
You risk becoming disorganised?

RAFFLES  
Ha! Tell me, what’s the score now, gents?

BUNNY  
Four for two!

MACKENZIE  
Four runs for two batsmen out.

RAFFLES  
Bunny’s answer is the preferable one. Yours was correct on the surface, Inspector, but spoken with such verbiage that I almost didn’t recognise it. 

MACKENZIE  
Then it’s no wonder I’ve never understood the game until now, what with the spectators speaking in code.

RAFFLES  
The code is an invaluable one. Its use gives one a great sense of solidarity with all those fellow gentlemen who are privy to it.

MACKENZIE  
That’s not very funny, Mr Raffles.

RAFFLES  
Indeed not? My apologies.

BUNNY  
But it’s not code. It’s fairly obvious, isn’t it? Four for two, four runs for two wickets?

MACKENZIE  
As someone who’s not found it obvious for many years, I cannot agree. On the face of it, I never understood how a game could have scores of fifty to two, or a hundred to five, or whatever it is.

RAFFLES  
But of course, the dimness begins to lighten?

MACKENZIE  
Begins is very much the right word for it.

BUNNY  
Raffles, if we’re not doing stump out or caught out, can I explain wides and byes?

RAFFLES  
Oh? By all means, if you wish.

BUNNY  
Well! In a no-ball—Raffles showed that one earlier—the bowler does something wrong when delivering it, like stepping over the line, or knocking into the wicket on his side, or something. And the batting team gets a point for it.

MACKENZIE  
I have to stop you right there. No one has said anything yet about the wicket that is on my side. Why do I have one?

BUNNY  
Oh! Well, uh, there’s a wicket on each side of the pitch. You’re only trying to hit the one across from you, though. And, uh, if you knock into yours while you’re bowling, that’s bad. But if you’re bowling, and you bowl a no-ball, the striker can still try for runs with it, if he wants to. However, if a ball was delivered legally, but went too wide for the striker to possibly hit it, then the ball is legal and counts as a wide. The batting team gets an extra point, when that happens. 

MACKENZIE  
So, in consequence, it is the same as a no-ball.

BUNNY  
Uh… no. A batsman can hit a no-ball, so a no-ball counts toward your six balls, but a batsman can’t hit a wide, so wides don’t count toward your six balls.

MACKENZIE  
Good lord, what?

RAFFLES  
I’m afraid you’ve lost him there. 

BUNNY  
It’s very plain! A bowler only gets six balls. That’s called an over. Six balls is an over. When the bowler’s bowled his six, he has to be swapped for a different bowler—one of the fields, who will bowl from the other end of the pitch.

MACKENZIE  
Is that how it is? I think I see. Then the bowlers are a kind of carousel, too. There aren’t eleven overs altogether, then, are there? One for each bowler?

BUNNY  
What? No! 

MACKENZIE  
Oh, of course that’s not how it is. That would make too much sense. 

BUNNY  
It does make sense! A bowler’s not out at the end of his over! He has to become a catch, but he can go back to being a bowler later. He just can’t bowl two overs in a row. Ah… I’m just not explaining it very well, am I? Raffles did it better…

RAFFLES  
I think you are doing a remarkable job, though I would like to remind you that we are standing on a field right now, which may serve to aid in communicating the ideas.

BUNNY  
Oh! Yes! Okay, let’s start over. Wides! Let’s do a wide. Toss your crumpet off to the side somewhere.

MACKENZIE  
No, I already comprehend what a wide is. To be honest, I’m not enjoying all this bending over. It’s giving my back more exercise than it wants.

BUNNY  
I’ll pick up the ball, then. I can do that, you know, if you give me permission to handle the ball for you.

MACKENZIE  
Oh, thank goodness. By all means, you have permission. 

BUNNY  
Good, but, uh, normally that comes after you bowl, so—um, never mind. Uh, go on. Bowl me a wide.

MACKENZIE  
Anywhere, then? Might I aim for the door?

RAFFLES  
I’d rather you not let it get to the boundary of the field, or it’ll have to count as a four. That is, four runs for us.

MACKENZIE  
Four runs—for your side—if I bowl it out of the field? No, that can’t be true.

RAFFLES  
As I said, you’d best not make it an issue.

MACKENZIE  
Fine. In this, I will gladly take your advice. What about to this side, by the settee?

RAFFLES  
Don’t let it hit the wall, and we’ll not have any trouble about it.

MACKENZIE  
Very well. There!

BUNNY  
Right! That was too wide off for me to get, so Raffles and I get a free point for that. And I’ll retrieve the ball now, and toss it back to you. Here you go! Remember, it’s a wide, so it doesn’t count for your six.

MACKENZIE  
Hm. My six balls. I confess I’ve not been keeping track of how many balls I’ve bowled.

BUNNY  
Well, you’re in luck, because that’s second nature to us! Four deliveries there were, so far, in total. Three were legal, one was a no-ball, and the wide ball doesn’t factor in. So you have two more balls to go. And the score is five for two.

RAFFLES  
By the way, to be specific, that makes it five for two, first innings, first over, fifth ball.

MACKENZIE  
You’ll forgive me if I take back anything I said about this game being exciting. 

RAFFLES  
It must be the standing in the one place that’s trying your very considerate patience. It’s too bad you still have two balls left… No, scratch that. We don’t need to be batting anymore against so handicapped a team, do we? That’s not sporting of us, I should say. 

BUNNY  
But I haven’t explained byes, yet.

RAFFLES  
We’ll cover that as the bowling team, then. As captain, I’m declaring this innings.

BUNNY  
That must set a record for shortest ever innings!

MACKENZIE  
Declaring it?

BUNNY  
Ending it early. That is, ending the innings before we run out of wickets. And yes, declaring is a real thing that batting teams really do.

MACKENZIE  
This happens so often that there is a term for it?

RAFFLES  
Indeed, it does. Ah, that singular look on your face is a credit to the game, Inspector!

BUNNY  
But declaring’s not for giving the other side a sporting chance. Not usually, anyway. It’s supposed to avoid running out of time. You see, if not all the innings are finished before game time runs out, then both teams end the game with a draw—

RAFFLES  
More or less. 

BUNNY  
—regardless of how many runs each team has scored. The teams might as well have tied, for all the difference it makes.

MACKENZIE  
I don’t mind saying that that’s as absurd a rule as any I’ve heard so far. What keeps a losing team in the final innings from stalling the game as much as possible, to secure a draw?

BUNNY  
Uh, nothing.

RAFFLES  
Nothing, beyond the expectation of fair play. But stalling to some degree is an expected strategy. Batsmen aren’t obliged to try for runs, you know. What do we call the final score of the first innings, now, Bunny?

BUNNY  
Five for two, declared! It does sound ridiculous to my ears.

RAFFLES  
Yes, it certainly does to mine as well. Let’s change places now, Inspector. I will be the bowler. You will be the striker; go to where Bunny is. I will take your crumpet, thank you. Bunny, you will be the wicket-keeper; stand behind the umbrella behind the inspector. You can pretend that you have a non-striker beside me if you like, Inspector, but you shan’t be needing him in any case. The score is zero for zero. 

BUNNY  
The first ball will be a bye, yes?

RAFFLES  
Quite so. Avoid this ball, the both of you. Now! See how it passed the both of you without being touched? That is a bye. Like a no-ball or a wide, it is extra point to the batting team. The score becomes one for zero.

MACKENZIE  
Wait, what? I didn’t hit it—and that was a point in my favour?

RAFFLES  
Yes. Funny, isn’t it? Cricket is the only contest I know of in which a player can miss the ball and score a point for it, as long as the wicket-keeper behind him neglects to intercept it. It is not all so counter-intuitive as that, however. A batsman who misses may still be stumped out by the wicket-keeper. I shall show you. There!

MACKENZIE  
Ah—huff!

BUNNY  
Got it!

RAFFLES  
Did you see, Inspector? I bowled the ball short, forcing you to step out of your safe ground in order to bat it. You failed to strike; Bunny grabbed the ball; Bunny knocked over your wicket with it. You are indecorously stumped out.

MACKENZIE  
Dear me, the way you threw that crumpet, just now—I wasn’t throwing it like that at all!

RAFFLES  
Is that a compliment?

BUNNY  
Raffles is a star bowler. Well, he’s a great all-rounder, but at slow bowling, there’s no one better!

RAFFLES  
Very kind of you, but I wouldn’t go so far as that. Bunny called me a slow bowler just now; that’s on account of the fact that I don’t bowl fast. Instead, I bowl out my opponents by flicking my wrist or my fingers to make the ball bounce in tricky and unexpected ways, instead of besting them on speed alone. I’m sure I could go far as a fast bowler, if I wished to, but fast bowling is rather tiring for one’s arms.

BUNNY  
It all depends on the condition of the pitch, though, which bowling is better.

RAFFLES  
Oh? Does it?

BUNNY  
Uh, not all of it! Er, a lot of the bowling depends on the pitch… I didn’t mean…

RAFFLES  
Forgive me, Bunny, I only jest. You are quite right. In more ways than one, the pitch is the centre of cricket. Spin bowlers prefer soft pitches; fast bowlers prefer hard pitches. The pitch often wears out over the course of days of play, too, becoming increasingly more favourable for us spinners, and harder for the batsmen to tackle. That is why I picked my team to bat first when we won the toss at the start.

MACKENZIE  
I must stop you there. I’m sure I don’t need to know the particulars of the effects the grass in the field has to understand the game.

RAFFLES  
Oh? Just as you say.

BUNNY  
That only leaves us to show you a caught out. Raffles will bowl, you’ll hit it to me, and I’ll catch it—

MACKENZIE  
No, no, I know what it is to be caught out. It was explained before. Any fielder… catcher… catch… whoever it is, he can get me out by catching the ball, yes?

BUNNY  
Yes—

MACKENZIE  
Then I understand everything I need to. I declare my innings.

BUNNY  
But it just started—!

MACKENZIE  
I’ve had my fill of cricket, Mr Manders. My head is full of rules that I didn’t need to know. I don’t believe I can take in any more.

RAFFLES  
Then, supposing that there are only two innings, your team lost by three runs. We didn’t give you a very tall bar to aim for. You might have won by nine or ten wickets if you’d made it to five runs.

BUNNY  
Oh, and, that’s because the game would end as soon as you pass our number of runs by even one run! The batting team in the last innings either loses by a deficit of runs, or wins with extra batsmen left over—

MACKENZIE  
No! No more. That’s it, I’m done. Good afternoon, Mr Raffles, Mr Manders.

RAFFLES  
Good afternoon.

BUNNY  
Wait! Don’t forget your coat!

MACKENZIE  
Yes, thank you.

BUNNY  
Yes, um, and you’re welcome back any time! And if ever you want to catch a spot of the live thing at Lord’s—!

MACKENZIE  
Thank you. I’ll… keep that in mind, Mr Manders. At least, as soon as I can bear to think of anything again, past this headache that’s coming on…

A door opens and closes.

Silence; then, Raffles and Bunny laugh. 

RAFFLES  
Good show.

BUNNY  
We didn’t exactly make friends with him, did we? Oh, I’ll help you move that back! Huff!

RAFFLES  
Good. Thank you. Everything is right as rain again. We might have missed the mark on friendship, but not by far. I’m very much mistaken in my analysis if he walked away with a bad impression of us. By the way, you were an outstanding partner, through and through, as I expected. I couldn’t have asked for a better man to be my fellow English sportsman. 

BUNNY  
I didn’t… um… thank you!

RAFFLES  
You’re welcome. To think that there’s someone who was born on this great island who doesn’t know cricket. Someone in the heart of London, for that matter! Though, I really cannot blame him if the joy of the sport goes over his head. Cricket is only so fascinating, when one is in a line filled with real danger…

BUNNY  
Raffles.

RAFFLES  
Yes?

BUNNY  
You… really don’t notice the smell in this place?

RAFFLES  
Ha! No. You must have a sharp nose on you. Ah, so that is why you open the window so regularly!

BUNNY  
It does get a little strong. But if you’d rather I not, I won’t! They’re your rooms, after all.

RAFFLES  
No need to excuse yourself. It is an improvement. And these are not my rooms.

BUNNY  
They’re not?

RAFFLES  
They are our rooms. Unless, you’ve ceased to presume that you live here, my dear Bunny?

Bunny laughs.

BUNNY  
My dear Raffles! Not a chance of it!

Closing music from the string quartet. 

End.


End file.
